Wednesday, January 04, 2006

I'm so down a worm looks tall to me

I haven't written for a while. I feel like the old HeeHaw song - If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all!
I am in dire financial straits. I need to refinance my first and second mortgage in order to save my house, but I cannot do this because my credit is so bad.
Since 1990, when I filed for divorce, I’ve paid as much for counseling for the children as I would for a house payment PLUS making house payments. When my ex had the kids during the summer or had custody of them, I had to travel to Georgia to see them, then later hire attorneys and private detectives in order to locate them. During that time, I charged, begged, borrowed - not stole - money in order to follow the dictates of the court, visit the children, take them to counselors for their minds and doctors for their bodies. After we had a fire in 1999, there were so many things that we needed to replace, and the insurance company was too busy paying the company who was “repairing” our home to repay our losses. During this time, our car was stolen, and I had to replace it. The finance company where I financed the car called me repeatedly, telling me how much better it would be for me to take out a second mortgage in order to pay back the multitude of charges that we now owed. I thought that since the house was rented, and the renters were supposed to buy the house in just a few months, I decided to take the finance company’s advise. A few months later, the family moved out, and I was left “holding the bag.” For the past five years, I have been (almost) able to continue paying the two mortgages. Since that time, my “renters” - who all had employment and glowing references - seemed to feel that I should be paying for them to stay in the house while they made various “adjustments” to the house. (These adjustments have included removing plants and trees, redoing the plumbing, removing a bathroom - walls and all, and the latest disassembled the heat pump when he left (finally). These last renters wanted to buy the house but didn’t want to pay rent or make the few repairs they were to make in order to have reduced rent. When a mortgage company called me concerning their credit, the first thing they asked me was if the renters were current, and when I hesitated, they asked how much the renters were in arrears. That led to a lawsuit, as the renters accused me of giving false information and not cashing their “checks.” (At times I wish I could lie!)
In addition to that, everyone else has been sick almost constantly. I had to buy a car in October since the one I was driving was on its last leg. That wouldn’t have been so bad, as my daughter had saved her money from her jobs, and her savings almost covered the cost of the car. But, the car died the next week and had to be towed, then repaired - two times - and that took my house payments for that month - plus, and now I am behind.
I don’t know what to do. The last loan officer I spoke with said that if someone would take over the loans, I could have a lower interest rate, could rent the house, fix it up, and sell it in a couple of years; but I don’t know of anyone who could or would do that. I think he said I would get the equity that is in the house and could use some of that to fix it up, but I don’t know what all needs to be done now, how much it would cost, etc. I’ve been given - and followed - so much bad advise in the past few years that I just don’t know what to do - or if there’s anyone who can help me with the loan if I could do that.
I need your prayers, advise, help, etc. - in any way possible.

Thursday, February 24, 2005


I don’t understand how life can go on – one day after another – with nothing changing. I look at friends and acquaintances and think I would like to have a life like theirs. I’d love to be able to go places and do things, go shopping occasionally – have the money to go shopping, and not be constantly burdened by worry. There’s always something.
My son’s girlfriend is almost 3 months pregnant, and they’re already fighting with her threatening to leave and go out of state. I already have to worry about his mental state. I just want him to stay alive. I don’t know what he would do if she would leave. Life hasn’t been that good to him – abused, kidnapped, drugs and alcohol abuse. He’s been trying to get his life back into shape, but it doesn’t seem to be working out. It seems like if something is going to happen, it happens to Ben.
He has so many issues to deal with. He does not need any more on his plate.

Then, my oldest daughter is so far away. I miss her so much. She has always run from her problems, and now she is in Colorado. We don’t have the money to visit, so we have to make do with occasional phone calls and letters. I don’t know what I’d do if any thing happened. Last year, she was in a bad car accident. Luckily, she was able to walk away with just a few cuts and bruises. If it had been worse, how would I have gotten out there?

My other children are doing okay. It could be better. We can’t mention certain subjects.

They are no help around the house.

One of the counselors who saw my children asked me why I didn’t take them and hide them away from their father. He obviously didn’t realize how much four children would stand out – in just about any crowd. Where would we have gone? It’s easy to say. And the kids needed some stability in their lives. They loved their grandparents, their family, friends, their pets. What would a life on the run-until-we’re- caught have been like? I can’t imagine that.

So, today, we’re still reeling from the past. So many people have said, “Put the past behind you. It’s over and done with.” Do they want to forget their past? The past is what forms us. I hate the last 20 years of my life, but I do love my children. I wish that what had happened to them hadn’t, but I can’t take it back. I wish that the “powers” in this county had behaved in a responsible manner – we sure would have been a lot better off. But, again, it’s all we have. We do move on. It’s just that our experiences are what have made us the persons that we are now – for better, or for worse.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Another day

Well, it seems as if the only computer I can post my journal from is the one where I only work two days a week. I guess that seems pretty typical. It seems that my life has been like that for about, oh, the last twenty years. If something can go wrong, it will - and usually in triplicate.
I met and married the man of my dreams after waiting a sufficient plus time, only to find that my dream was a nightmare that took me years to wake up from.
Only then to jump into another one. Sometimes doing the right thing can be murder.
No one will believe you - you can't be right, he seems like such a good husband and father. You must be crazy. But all the tests prove that you're not - and he is. But they still don't believe. If you walked on water, raised 10,000 from the dead and put a baby bird back in its nest, they will not believe.
He is perfect.
You are the vindictive woman trying to ruin his career. Don't mention that you couldn't have one because his live always had to come first. And the kids came so fast, it didn't pay to have a sitter. And we moved so much. And he sent you home every summer, so he could rent out the house while he was gone doing what he wanted, while you sat at home waiting for the crumb to fall. Like the scared little puppy - hoping for a kind word and a gentle touch but always received the slap.
Very depressed today, I see. I hope tomorrow will be better. After all - hope springs eternal in the human breast.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Where did I begin?

Thursday, February 10, 2005

I wish life were like the movies

I wish that I could change my life. It seems that no matter how hard I try, things just keep on going from bad to worse.
I can't seem to recover financially from the divorce from hell. I'm loosing my house - the renters I had weren't paying, and they were getting a loan. Well, when the loan people called, the first thing out of their mouth was "are they current" to which I had to answer "no", and now I'm afraid of what the renters will do to the house - as if former tennants didn't leave their calling cards. I'd love to be able to put my first and second mortgage together and fix it up a little, then let my son and his girlfriend live in it - they might be expecting twins - and pay a little rent - they could at least match the $300 the renters paid when they felt like it.
It's like, Is anybody there? Does anybody care? I wish I remember what movie that song is from.
Then all the other mess. Bills, bills, bills.
I had to file for divorce. I didn't want to die. I didn't want my kids to have to live with him alone. He was so scarey - and still is. I can't remember living without fear. What is he going to do now? What new plan can he plot and carry out that will cause the most pain for those he professes to love? How can he make life infinitely more miserable for them? I am so glad to be out of the marriage, but I wish life could have been a little easier. How long - and how much - emotionally, physically and financially - do I have to keep on paying for making such an horrible mistake as marrying a monster?

Thursday, February 03, 2005


I get so frustrated when dealing with my children's father - no, that is too good a word. A father cares and desires the best for his children. Their sperm donor is a child - a bad one at that. My son, now 22, has finally decided to take charge of his life, go back to school and get his degree. He enrolled in a class with the understanding that he would have the money, as an account was set up for the children's education many years ago. Well, there was a glitch somewhere, and he called his father to ask for a payment in order for him to continue in his class. His father refused - it was only $100 - which is a lot for us but not too much for a person who makes in excess of $100,000 per year. So my son is not in school - the first thing he's done towards building a better future for himself. Of course, to his father, it's just another step down in his son's sorry life. It's never that he has repeatedly intimidated - first the child, then the teenager - that he was too stupid to finish high school and now too ignornant for college. How well he pulls the strings, plays with the mind - don't succeed, don't be what you want, don't be.



Monday, January 31, 2005

Another day

Another day in a long succession of days. Sometimes they seem neverending - like all the days I waited and waited for news of my children. When were they going to return? When would they be found? Where were they? Were they safe? Did they have food, clothing? Where were they? Were they alive? Was I? How can a person survive with so much pain? I didn't know there was so much pain.
It definitely proved Einstein's theory - time is relative. How fast the time flies when one is happy, but what a hell when one grieves.
I can't understand how someone can hate - hurt - so much that he can do so much harm to those he professes to love. But it is not love. Just hate.